In the Walls of This Castle
by thegoodgirldoll
Summary: What did Remus really think, coming to teach in 3rd year? What memories does he hold, in the walls of Hogwarts? How was he bitten, how did he feel standing in front of a class? And what was his life truly like, books 3 through 7?
1. The Castle Again

**A\n: I'm proud of this so far, and am actually proud of myself for doing something besides a "Remus having a daughter story." Hope you enjoy, and please review. If you do, I'll actually update ;) **

**Blessings,**

**Sarah**

He stared at his reflection in the mirror, and for the first time recognized himself for what he really was. An 'older-than-his-age' looking man, with light, disguting, brown hair, and gray flecks, and patched up robes that hung to loosely from his thin body. This was not going to work, at all. He felt like throwing up before even standing in front of his first class...Third years. At least they weren't experienced 7th years, or bratty first years...But 3rd years! Pre-teens? 13 year old children with ranging hormones, petty, yet important to them, problems, and serious ideas on how they thought people should look? Ideas, on what they thought people should be?

What their professor, should be.

He would be teaching them Defense Against the Dark Arts, yet, he was a creature he'd be teaching them to defend themselves against.

How Remus hated irony.

All of his life it trailed him like a child trailing after his angry mother, trying desperately to make it up to her. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Taking a deep breath, he grabbed his briefcase and walked to the door. After opening it, he'd have to walk down these halls for the first time in seventeen years. He'd have to stand up in front of a class, and teach them.

He was terrified.

Later that night, at dinner, Remus was feeling elated that he had made it through his first day of classes, and when dinner was over, he was even happier he made it through his first full day. Standing, and telling everyone goodnight, he made his way back to his dorm room. Every professor had a seperate one. Ironically, (of course, irony), Severus Snape was the room across from Remus. As the new teacher walked along the hall though, his thoughts weren't on Severus at all. They were on the first time he had walked these halls. He had been side-by-side with Sirius Black, and in all honesty, he'd give anything to go back to that. Even though he felt in-human, evil, dangerous, and frightening back then, he realized that now, was worse...And he'd go back to those days in a heartbeat if he could. Taking a deep intake of a deep, musky scent that mixed with the smell of the feist that still hung in the air, he came to the front of his bedroom door. Taking one last look at the hall, he walked inside and shut and locked the tall, worn piece of wood that scraped across the floor as he shoved it back into it's frame. The door was quite noisy, yet then again, all of the doors in Hogwarts were quite noisy.

Setting down his cloak and a mug of Butterbeer he'd taken up with him from the feist, he pulled a chocolate bar out of his stash he'd already put in his wardrobe, and sat on the hearth, leaning against the couch and staring at the fire already burning...crackling and shimmering wildly with yellow and orange streaks. He threw the chocolate wrapper in the flames and savoured every last bite.


	2. What He Didn't Know

"Professor, I was wondering if you could help me with this question?" Neville asked, furrowing his eyebrows as he looked down at his textbook.

"Yes, Mr. Longbottom, what is it?" Remus replied, walking over to Neville's desk and peering over his shoulder at that work he was doing. Neville threw down his quill, exasperated, and groaned.

"It's _everything! _I don't understand _any _of it!"

Remus smiled slightly and shook his head.

"Don't say that. I'm sure you're just over-looking something. Here," he said, grabbing the parchment and Neville's textbook. "Let me have a look at it."

Neville nodded and Remus scanned over the page, staring at the questions, and then the paragraphs on page 10 of Neville's book.

"Question 38." He stated to really no one but himself, clicking his tongue to the roof of his mouth and he scanned through another page.

"Ah, here it is, Neville." He said after a moment. Setting the book down in front of his third year student, he pointed his finger at the general area the answer would be in.

"It's in that paragraph, and it isn't stated like the question."

Neville nodded.

"Thanks, professor."

"Mhhm.." Remus mumbled, sitting back down at his desk. He got out his quill to start grading papers, but once he got to Hermione Granger, he set it down. Drumming his fingers on his desk, he looked over every correct answer. Albus had been correct; She was uncommonly smart. Smarter than any of her peers...And Remus had only had her in his class for a week so far!

_1) How do you repell a Boggart? State the spell, and the physical act - _**Riddikkulus and Laughter. **

_2) If you're in a duel, and being hit with the Cruciatus Curse, which spell would be more effective as a means of defending yourself, and why? Evanesco, or Expelliarmus - _**Expelliarmus. Evanesco makes the **_**target **_**vanish, NOT the person. If used to defend yourself against a fellow dueler, it would do nothing at all. It's rendered useless when used against another human being, or any animal. **

Even though the other questions were correct too, those two were the hardest, and no one else had gotten them right. No one knew the differences between the spells for number two, and they hadn't really talked about how to repell a Boggart yet...Only some brief discussion about them, but it had to be gone over on this work sheet, and Hermione had done outstanding on all of it. Remus couldn't wait to see how she would do two years from then on her O...

Wait, had he just thought two years ahead? Did he already like this job that much? Remus smiled to himself and continued grading. He only had five minutes left for the third years to be in his class and he wanted to complete and pass out all of their papers before they had to go to Care of Magical Creatures.

When it came time to leave, he had just finished grading, and he sighed as all of the children stormed out of his class. Well, all but one.

"Professor Lupin?"

"Yes?" Remus replied, looking up at the student who had adressed him.

Ronald Weasley.

"Professor, I know that I didn't do well on that paper, and my Mum is going to be barking mad if my grades are low this year. Again. So can you-"

"-Give you extra coursework?" He asked, smiling. Remus was sure that's what he would be asking. Ron furrowed his eyebrows.

"No. No...NO. No extra work. I was hoping you could umm," he reached up his hand to scratch the back of his neck. "I was hoping you could...High my grade." He mumbled. Remus chuckled.

"Mr. Weasley, I can't do that unless you do extra coursework. I'm really sorry. On the bright side, you didn't fail your assignment. There's definitely room for inprovement, but you can bring it up in no time if you set your mind to it from now on. Can you do that, Ron?"

Ron nodded and sighed a breath of relief.

"Thank-you so much, Professor. I'll work my hardest."

Remus nodded and yelled after Ron just before he walked out: "By the way, Ron, working hard does not mean copying Hermione's answers!"

Ron laughed and nodded.

"Have a good day, Professor."

Sighing, and shuffling the papers to find Ron's, Remus stared at the "F" he had marked on his paper. He had indeed failed...If it was possible, he did worse than failed. His answers weren't only wrong, but they seemed as though, at the time, they were written while his mind was _completely and utterly _elsewhere. Grinning and grabbing his wand, he erased the "F", and replaced it with a "D."

Yes, he had indeed failed. But what Ron didn't know, wouldn't hurt him.


	3. Shame

"Lupin, your Wolfsbane will be ready by noon." Severus spoke quietly, peaking his head through Remus' classroom door. Remus looked up from his paper work, and blinked a few times. He had just woken up about half an hour ago, and he still didn't have all of his witts about him yet. Once it registered in his mind though, he smiled and nodded, looking back down at his work.

"Thank-you, Severus."

Severus Snape nodded, and turned to leave before Remus called after him.

"Oh, I forgot to ask you.."

"Yes?" Severus asked, sighing.

"Do you have any of," he glanced at his paper. "Angelina Johnson's old Potions essays? She seems to have a reference to one of her other essays in mine..She says I should read the other one to understand this one paragraph because it was too long to explain again."

Severus nodded.

"I know exactly what you're referring to. I'll bring it up with your potion this afternoon."

Remus nodded.

"Thank-you."

"Mhhm.." Severus replied, shutting the door behind him when he left.

Remus was left alone again, and now had time to gather his thoughts on Severus properly. Ever since Albus had told him Snape would be making his Wolfsbane, he had honestly been a bit wary...Severus had hated him ever since they were in school together...A stupid prank he wasn't even first-hand involved in, and Snape had come to hate him. What would give him any reason not to posion him? Any reason not to mess it up so he wasn't safe, and harmed a student..therefore, harming the first career he'd had in 5 years.

But he had justified this. Albus trusted Severus, and so would he. Besides, he wouldn't jepordze his own job just for Remus. As much as he held resentment toward the werewolf, he would never put his own job at risk for a simple thrill in payback...Severus was sometimes cold-hearted, but never that much. He wasn't cold hearted to himself, anyway...And obviously, not to Remus.

For now.

By the time lunch rolled around, Remus was starving and tired. His 1st, 3rd, and 6th years had given him a run for his money today, and he was so thankful he had a break before having to deal with his 2nd, 4th, 5th, and 7th years. He wouldn't be eating in the hall today since he had to drink his Wolfsbane, so taking out the bag lunch he had, he quickly dug into his chicken and bisquits. He wouldn't touch his Pumpkin Juice until after he had taken his Wolfsbane. It tasted absolutely horrid, but adding any sugar would render it useless. He had to save his drink, therefore, to chase down the bitter taste afterwards.

Sighing and opening his mouth for his second bite of chicken, his door opened and Severus walked through, carrying a steaming goblet with a shimemring blue substance inside. Remus took a deep breath and stood, conjuring another chair for Severus to sit down. He took the chair gratefully, though he wouldn't be staying long. He handed Remus the goblet and stared at him.

"You know I wouldn't do that to you." He spoke quietly, almost inaudible, seemingly hearing Remus thoughts.

"I'm an accomplished Legillimens, Remus, and I would never taper with your potion."

Remus nodded and smiled slightly.

"Thankyou, Severus."

Snape nodded and Remus drank the goblet, his face twisting in disgust as he downed it without a breath until he was finished. Gasping after he was done, he closed his eyes a moment, reaching for his Pumpkin Juice. Severus grabbed it first and handed it to him, never before seeing the effects the potion itself had on Remus.

All the years of hatred, replaced with a hesitant moment of understanding and sympathy in one moment.

What was it really like being a Lycanthrope?

'A joy I will never know,' Severus thought to himself, before shaking it and opening his mouth to ask Remus that very question.

He had actually always wanted to ask.

"R-Remus," his firstname felt awkward on his tongue...He hadn't called him anything but 'Lupin' for 18 years.

"Yes?" Remus replied, opening his eyes.

"What..What is it really like being a werewolf?" He whispered.

Remus chuckled.

"What's it like? You say that as though you expect it to be a walk in the park!" He stood and paced the room, before leaning against his desk and resting his right hand on his hip.

"It's horrible. I hate it. I hate being a threat to these students. I hate being a threat to all of society...I hated being treated as an outcast when I already feel like one." He added quietly. "I put these children in harm's way everyday and they don't even know it. I'm violent, Severus, I'm harsh sometimes. Full Moon doesn't have to be around for me to show that side of myself...And it's scary. I scare myself, Severus. One day, I'm going to scare these kids...It's horrifying."

Severus stood.

"But it doesn't have to be."

Remus furrowed his eyebrows and now it was Severus turn to pace the room.

"You're safe here, Remus. You're under the control of Wolfsbane potion now, I would never tamper with it on you, you're a good teacher, and you aren't an outcast to everyone. Not all people are afraid of werewolves. I am not."

"How is that? Because of a sick joke 20 some-odd years ago, you came face to face with one, showing it's fangs to you, howling in your face, inching closer to devour you," he turned away from him. "Because of a joke 20, some-odd years ago, you hate me." He turned back to face him now and Severus stared at him.

"Admit it, that you do." Remus added. "Go on. Tell me you hate me. Alot of people have your same view."

"I don't hate you, Remus. I admit I felt I did, but I don't now. I know you weren't in on that..._joke,_ if you want to call it that, and I know that you never said anything un-kind about me, even if your friends did. If I hate anything _about _you, Remus, it's that you act like a coward. I wish the wolf in you would show the self confidence wolves have. you're always blaming yourself, always putting yourself down. I hated the pity...For one week I had to lie in the Hospital Wing next to you, and listen to you moan about how horrid you felt...How you're such a beast, and that's why this happened...It's a lie! It's all lies...Pure, unadulterated, lies. You _aren't_ a monster, and it _wasn't_ your fault. If you had laid off the pity, irreguardless of everything else, we still could have been friends. I just couldn't be around someone like that."

Turning and grabbing the goblet, and waving his wand so the chair flew back in it's place against the wall, Severus walked towards the door, but before he left he turned to Remus again, who's head wasn't down, staring at his feet like always during conversations like this, but up and pale.

"You're nothing for anyone to be ashamed of, Remus...You're the one shaming yourself."


End file.
